And, The Time Has Come... COMING OUT!!!

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Anaïs Nin

I know that most people that are reading this, will be understanding and accepting. However, I still want to start with this inspirational quote, written as an opening to a Coming Out letter:

"Some of you might think that the information I share with you herewith is a joke. It's not. And comprehending this, in fact, may take a large portion of patience, understanding, and compassion. You are likely, in fact, to need a long time to fully process it."

Jennifer Finney Boylan​, She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders, Pg 171

Growing up, I think we all try to remember our first memories, and we are being asked (especially in therapy sessions...) what our first memories are. I never answered this question honestly. I was terrified from my first memories, and for 20 years I was trying to run from it. One of the first things I remember about myself, is thinking, Hey I am not a boy. this thought, feeling, confliction, confusion, realization, is something that never left me. I had - as I figured out at the age of 20 - what's called today (and no, I don't like this 'diagnose') "Gender Dysphoria" that is, when the gender assigned to an individual on their Birth Certificate is not who they are.

I can go on and write a lot about my horrible experience growing up. Not only was I confused, but as you all know, in the community that I was raised in, Trans did not exist, neither was it ever discussed. I was therefore convinced that I have to be crazy, and that I have to get this "stupidity" of feeling like a girl, out of my head. As always, this didn't work well for me. I can write some great SciFi about all the dreams - awake, I had of how I can "become a girl', but in my world, this was something that I knew I can never mention to anyone. 

As a result, from the age of 14, I dealt with bad depression. I couldn't go a month without falling into total despair (I think anyone who was ever been in touch with me knows that they were always days that I just wasn't responding to anyone). I knew throughout this entire time where it comes from, but I had no idea how to deal with it.

At age 20 I left my community of origin. While my decision to leave was not based on being a woman, the urge to search and read 'outside of the box' was triggered by the feeling that "I" am not who I am.

Being convinced that these feelings are crazy, I tried to convince myself that the problem is something else. I moved around in life trying to tell myself that getting out of the box, getting a job, getting an education, etc. will solve my problems. They were all great things, but I couldn't convince even myself to let go of the dream of living MY life. and let me tell you, lying to yourself is not pretty.

Skipping ahead. Finally, last spring, I went to see a gender specialist, after a few sessions, they told me pretty clear: You are a woman, and you ought to deal with that. Otherwise, nothing is gonna change.

My initial response was, as always, stop talking to them. I still couldn't face it, especially knowing that the road ahead is long and complicated. So as until now, I thought that ignoring it is the best way to deal with it (ya i know, stupid me). I went to camp over the summer pretending everything is fine. But as research has shown, ignoring Gender Dysphoria, only makes it worse, and I wasn't any different.

Finally in the beginning of August, I made the best decision in life, thus far: I went to see a primary physician, who specializes in Gender Affirmation.

September 4, 2015 is the day I will remember forever. The day I started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). I have since taken a lot of steps towards transition. The road is long, but with the support of some amazing friends and professionals, for the first time in my life I feel like I am getting to be my real self.

In the last few weeks, I have slowly been coming out to more and more friends. I was lucky enough to get amazing support from all of my friends. I owe a special thanks to my 27 roommates at the Bayit - Columbia University who have been an exceptional help. The professionals and members at The Center Gender Identity Project, whom without I would Have not been able to get to where I am now. Rabbis David Ingber and Jessica Kate Mayer from Romemu, who showed me that Judaism and Transition are not only compatible but intertwined. My amazing doctor and medical team at APICHA Trans Health Clinic, who are patiently treating all their patients with love and compassion.

Last but far not least, each and everyone of my dear friends that I came out to in person, you have all been above and beyond supportive, Thank You!!!

Going forward I am looking forward to a challenging yet rewarding journey. I will hopefully keep all my friends in the loop, with all the details of transition, starting next week with an all out "Coming Out" video, keep an open eye!

Lastly, I want to say here, in clear and bold words to all humans out there who are going through similer experiences, and especially these of Ultra-Orthodox background:

"You can Do It!!! It is not going to be easy, but it is way easier than not transitioning. When you start to see the changes, and feel more comfortable with your body, you wouldn't stop loving yourself." 

Full of love, 

-- 

​​

​(​Srully Abe)

​ Abby

 Stein

​​

Two online forums that I found really helpful:

Susan's Place

Beginning Life Forums

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Here is a post I wrote 2.5 years ago on this site: http://forum.beginninglifeforums.com/index.php/ 

​Just in case any of you find it interesting. I had since decided to ignore my feelings. and as you can see, it didn't help. ignore the spelling, please.

​

eve.d    Messages: 15 Registered: June 2012 Location: new york Newb

My story is like I wrote in my bio, I always felt I am not who I am, I had a lot female nature's, and was always dreaming of a "miracle" that will change me, due to the fact that until the age of 20 (a year ago) I didn't know that it exists a way of doing it in nature.r thinking that way, something that a lot of people in my community do believe that if you are leaving the community life than you have a mantel disorder), so from the age of 14 I was looking  I didn't had any education outside my insular religious community, not even reading or spelling a word in English! (I learned the ABC's on my own by the age of 20..., I know it sounds unbelievable, and I grew up in NYC, if you are interest, here is an org. in NY that helps people leaving my community, so you can see on your own that it exist such a community in nyc footstepsorg.org) and of course I didn't know anything about LGBTQ at all. but, I was always looking for "help" I felt something is missing in my life, and I wasn't able to know what is missing, about my sexuality I was convinced that something is wrong with me for even thinking about a gender change, but what I did know was that could be the true way of living my life is not the way I grew up (and I was smart enough not to think that I am crazy fofor answers on the questions I had on the belief system I grew up to believe in, and slowly I came to the conclusion that the world is free, and waiting for me to go out and live my OWN life. mean while, by the age of 17 I got married in an arranged marriage, that by chance worked out, and I have a really good relationship with my dear wife, (sounds like I am a lesbian..) but the second she will know what's going on in my mind she will leave me, and 2 years ago I had a son. and here I found it. once I was a bit out, and I was able to search the web, I noticed, and I came to know that it does exist such a thing as transgender, and specially transsexual, in other words its possible for me to change all the way, and have the life and "body" I want, and feel I need. but after all the way I grew up for 20 years wasn't rejected so fast, and for a year, although I was thinking about it, and I watch a huge amount of clips and vlogs from trans people, and I spent a lot of time reading about it, I still had an unexplained feeling that didn't let me say to my self, yes, you are transgender, and after all I wasn't sure that I am, I was saying to my self that maybe its just a natural male attraction to women, etc. until I found this site: http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginners/how-to-tell.htm I read it, and everything was clear, I am trans, I have most emotional and physical signs, and its time to move forward. but where? what's my next step? before I make a life time conclusion I need to make sure I am not fooling myself, I am still living in my community, where such an act will mean for me to lose "everything", from family to friends, my job and living space, where I am going what am I doing? on education I found the above mentioned org., but on my sexuality who can help me? and then I found this site. I still don't know where my life will lead me' but it will definitely lead me to huge changes in "everything", and hopefully to huge success!!!